Be The Heroine
Posted on July 2, 2012 6 Comments
In her 1996 address to the graduates of Wellesley College, Nora Ephron famously said, “Above all, be the heroine of your own life, not the victim.”
It’s powerful advice that’s worth revisiting in this era of economic uncertainty.
As I noted in my previous post nearly two months ago, much has been going on. Don’t worry, I’m healthy, I still have my job, my finances are fine, and nothing has changed on the homefront. But I needed to make time to support a few important people who are working through economy-related woes, some of which affect me directly, and dramatically. These people are making heroic efforts to change their situation, and frustratingly, have been making no progress for a year. But just when things looked dire for them, their efforts finally paid off. We finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll share more when I can, but for now, I just have to keep praying that everything works out.
As I hear from more friends and family members struggling with careers and finances, Nora’s advice seems more relevant than ever. In today’s economy, it’s so easy to give up, to fall into the victim mindset. Getting laid off for reasons that have nothing to do with you, working for a company that’s going bankrupt, being unemployed after college, owing more on your house than it’s worth … these are all horrible situations that happened to many people, maybe even happened to you. What you do after the event, though, and how you mentally handle it, are entirely up to you.
Flexbility, creativity, and resilience are important qualities. We’re taught to be goal-oriented, and goals are important, but you may need to flex those goals to meet the opportunities available. Man-friend, for instance, initially sought an environmental attorney position after graduation. He scored an internship with the Environmental Protection Agency, completed two environmental law fellowships, and has now been published twice on environmental law topics. But he won’t find full-time employment as an environmental attorney, no matter how much drive and determination he displays. He probably won’t even find work as an attorney. At this point, he’s looking for full-time employment with good benefits doing something that he enjoys, that pays enough to cover his law school bills. And we’re close to that. (More to come.)
Others have also recently made progress on their search for employment. One, employed by a dying company, was seeking a career change. He wanted consulting. Unfortunately, his 10+ years of employment history at a managerial level didn’t qualify him for any consulting positions at a supervisor level “because he had no previous consulting experience.” He sought operations work next, but found that because his job wasn’t 100 percent operations-focused, he was unqualified. Same for change management, same for everything. He has kept going, exploring seemingly every open position available. But rather than looking at certain jobs or careers, he’s now looking at companies he’d like to work for instead. He’s made progress this way.
I’ve also had friends find work in cities or regions they weren’t expecting. Job searches must be national, not local these days. Never thought you’d live in Cincinnati, Detroit, or Omaha? Think again. One of man-friend’s job opportunities was in Oakland… a long way from Chicago, but we were ready to do what we had to do if that was going to be the case. In today’s market, you almost can’t afford to think local. You have to think bigger. You might not want to move, but you have to think of it as an exciting new adventure if you’re lucky enough to find something in a city you weren’t expecting.
In her speech, Ephron said she made a game out of naming the five qualities that define “you” now. She noted that over the years, her qualities had changed every time she played the game. She said:
“I didn’t know when I was sitting here so many years ago: you are not going to be you, fixed and immutable you, forever. We have a game we play when we’re waiting for tables in restaurants, where you have to write the five things that describe yourself on a piece of paper. When I was your age, I would have put: ambitious, Wellesley graduate, daughter, Democrat, single. Ten years later not one of those five things turned up on my list. I was: journalist, feminist, New Yorker, divorced, funny. Today not one of those five things turns up in my list: writer, director, mother, sister, happy. Whatever those five things are for you today, they won’t make the list in ten years—not that you still won’t be some of those things, but they won’t be the five most important things about you.”
For so many of us caught up in our dreams, we can fall into the trap of lamenting the loss of our chosen path:
“I was going to be an attorney/journalist/banker/real estate agent/construction worker/PR superstar.”
“I should be married with kids by now.”
“I should be living in a bigger house with more storage and a big yard.”
“I was going to New York.”
But that path may not have ever been the one. If you did happen to get your dream job/get married/sell your house and get a bigger one, there was never any guarantee it would have worked out. Yes, it’s good to have goals, but sometimes the best opportunity is the one that’s in front of your face, the one that actually exists. If doors all around you are closing, it’s important not to ignore the ones that are open, small or insignificant as they are. You never know where they might take you, or who you might become.
Be the heroine in your own life, not the victim. Don’t be the person for whom the right thing never happened. Be the person who took the road you never considered and turned it into an awesome opportunity for growth. Be the person who dreamed big AND wide. Be the person who persevered and thrived despite life’s challenges. No matter how much it stings in this moment, don’t be a victim. Be your own hero. Five years from now, you might thank yourself.
Category: Life
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6 Responses to “Be The Heroine”
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July 2nd, 2012 @ 4:22 pm
Hey Nicole, welcome back.
This is a beautifully written post. Thank you for encouraging and challenging and inspiring us to keep pushing even when it’s hard.
July 2nd, 2012 @ 11:59 pm
First off, I’m glad to hear you’re well and to see that you’re back. And thank you for these inspiring words. It’s so easy to get bogged down in what I’m not and what I don’t have. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants to see what I have accomplished.
July 5th, 2012 @ 4:39 pm
Thanks guys! Glad to be back!
July 5th, 2012 @ 4:41 pm
Glad to have you back. Thats one of my fav quotes.
July 7th, 2012 @ 10:10 pm
THANK YOU, Nicole.
My mom, Gawd love her, is a perpetual victim
Her life is not what she dreamed it would be, and it’s circumstances beyond her control (much of it), and so she plays the victim and is depressed as a result.
I have always thought it was her attitude that made her the victim, not the circumstances.
And RIP, Nora Ephron.
August 5th, 2012 @ 2:01 pm
What a great post that especially hits home for me right now. Thanks for writing it.