Relationships and Money
Posted on May 3, 2011 11 Comments
So I realize after writing about my wonderful job-seeking-but-out-of-work-man-friend that I probably need to write the article I’ve been very much putting off writing for many months now: relationships and money when the woman is the bread winner. It feels so personal, which is why I have been beating around the bush. But it’s also so top of mind that I’m finding it hard to write anything else. So I have to start working on it.
It’s going to take me a while to write it, because I will have to dig really deep and be brutally honest about a lot of things. So bear with me for a little bit while I’m writing/avoiding it. In the meantime, maybe you guys can actually motivate me to get this into production. Let me ask you: who is the breadwinner in your household? How does that make you feel? What do you think are the expectations the main earner has to fulfill in the mind of the lower-earner? What do you think are the expectations the lower-earner must fulfill in the mind of the higher earner? Are these roles at all dictated or differentiated by gender? What strategies do you employ so that you and your partner continue to work as a team, no matter the earning/gender roles?
Thanks, as always, for your insight. I really, really look forward to your input on this one.
Category: Life
Tags: love
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11 Responses to “Relationships and Money”
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May 3rd, 2011 @ 11:59 pm
We are just coming out of this situation. My husband was out of full time work for a year, and he worked odd jobs. For the last year, I have made a lot more money than him.
At times it was hard, when I wanted to cut back, but he still wanted to go out, go to nice resturants, shopping, and it was a hard balance because I would get frustrated that I was brining in the bulk of the income, yet I didn’t get to call the shots.
It was not too terrible, but at times it got to be a bit finikey
May 4th, 2011 @ 1:04 pm
I think that your relationship is different because you are not married. (I’m not saying you have to get married I just believe that there is a difference) When you are married it does not matter who makes more – one account one household (at least in my house)
I make more money than my husband but he does not mind and it does not make me any better than he is. I came in to our marriage with significant savings (thanks to your and some other blogs). In the beginning I had a hard time turning over my savings in to the joint account but now a year later I do not think about it at all. It’s our money. Also when he moved in with me (I own a property) he was paying rent, I asked him how much can he afford and that was what he was giving to me every month. I was able to afford place on my own anyway so it did not matter to me. I still got all the groceries, paid all the bills, etc. There is not much difference in amount you spend when you live alone or with another person. My budget did not change much when he moved in.
As much as I would like to hear your side of this story, and as much as I admire your blog, your writing and your honesty, you know you do not have to write it.
May 4th, 2011 @ 3:04 pm
I completely know where your coming from. I currently pay all of our (my boyfriends and my bills). And yes it’s all I think about. We’re not married and I worry about how much I’m contributing to our relationship. I think the main problem is that there are no groundrules of when this is going to stop. I would love to hear your story and how you deal with this.
May 5th, 2011 @ 12:48 am
Oh, tanja, I know I don’t HAVE to write it. And you’re right, we keep separate accounts and he covers all his bills, etc. But it’s one of my financial issues right now, so I think it’s worth writing about. I just want to be sensitive to HIM because the story is about US and not just me, which makes it difficult.
May 6th, 2011 @ 3:28 am
Well, married or no, I don’t think there’s a lot of difference in a joint household…the way it is managed (financially) is dependent upon the personality of the individuals involved. I’ve known married couples who kept their finances TOTALLY separate (“It’s a bummer you can’t afford your meds this month, dear, good luck with that” or “I’ll pay for the hotels, but you’ve got to pay for all the meals when we go on vacation”) and non-married couples (or platonic friends) who live together and pool their resources more as a “family unit” would.
As for who earns more — I think women worry more when they’re the primary bread-winner than men do…because traditionally, it’s still relatively new for women to be working, much less working in positions where they’re earning more money. We all try to say it’s “okay” — and it is, there isn’t anything wrong with it — but yet, it’s so sociologically new in our culture that it feels rather awkward for most. It makes the woman fret for the man’s sensitivity, and it often makes the male ego feel somehow lacking.
As for “turning over” your money and savings and financial decisions — if you’re living as a unit, there’s no “turning over” — you both need to pay attention and make decisions together, compromise together and respect each other’s opinions. My hubby helps me from being to “safe and secure” in financial investments, while I keep him from leaping off a cliff with a parachute of our money.
For organization and sanity purposes, it’s usually most effective for one person to handle all the administrative details — paying bills, balancing checkbooks, etc. — but the other partner needs to know what’s going on.
I’m the more admin-oriented person in our relationship, so I deal with that, but I maintain a spreadsheet that reflects our account balances, upcoming bills, etc., and I share that with hubby every time I update it.
But when it comes to tax time, I feed hubby all the raw data (’cause I’ve been dealing with it regularly all year long), and he handles all the tax details.
The resolution is as individual as the couple and the specific circumstances. The personalities involved have a lot to do with it.
And as for “guarantees” — there are no guarantees in life, despite any presumed legal protections or obligations with marriage.
Living is exhilarating risk. Sharing live with another is a risk, regardless of the legal definition of your relationship.
Congrats, once again, to B — and I’m especially looking forward to your blogs on this issue, Nicole.
May 6th, 2011 @ 3:31 am
Oops. Sorry. Just noticed a couple of typos: “to” instead of “too” and “live” instead of “life.” My apologies!
May 6th, 2011 @ 12:18 pm
Missie,
I laughed so hard on your comment
“It’s a bummer you can’t afford your meds this month, dear, good luck with that”
I knew a couple, now divorced, where they had separate finances – she lost her job and husband did not want to pay “her” bills. County had turned the water off due to the no payment and two of their kids had to take a bath at the neighbors’ house because he refused to pay “her” bill???
What is the point of getting married of you do not care about your significant other and your kids.
May 6th, 2011 @ 3:34 pm
I think the article I’m going to write is more about the awkwardness and the fact that there are no ground rules for this sort of thing.
For instance, I find that when I come home after a hard day’s work, I want dinner on the table and a clean house (if he’s going to be home all day). But I feel extremely weird asking for that since as a person I want him to feel fulfilled and happy, and doing dishes isn’t going to help him do that. I’m also conscious that women don’t like to be told to keep the house clean, so someone with a law degree looking for work probably doesn’t like it either. I think this is the “fretting” that Missie was talking about. Sometimes I feel like a huge jerk but other times I feel very justified in my expectations. Ultimately we’re a team, and we both know that.
May 6th, 2011 @ 3:56 pm
Tanja, I’m wondering if we’re not talking about the same couple!
LOL! (Not really, but still…does make one wonder about “family” units these days.)
Nicole, the “housekeeping” issues are ALWAYS a sticky wicket, I think, whether both are working or not and/or who is the bigger bread-winner. Who mows? Who cooks? Who cleans up after? Who should dust, vacuum, do the laundry? Who takes out the trash? Do you alternate these tasks or do them together? Do you have permanent assignments or rotate them? And yes, absolutely, for women, especially, I think most of us stop and think, as you said, “But I don’t want to be told to do all that stuff, so I wouldn’t think my partner would, either.”
These are issues that every household — married or no, or platonic friends or no or, or other kind of family situation — have to figure out.
And of course, too, as anyone who’s been unemployed will tell you, looking for a job is about as stressful — and in some ways, more so — than working, so there is always that to consider, as well.
Hubby and I are self-employed and generally work from home (and when not, our office is across from our home, so it’s almost the same as working at home, but with better tax advantages
LOL!), and we have fallen into a pretty easy rhythm about household chores and maintenance. I enjoy cooking, so am nearly always the one who prepares the meals and does the food shopping — but I enjoy it, so that’s fine; if I’m tired or not feeling well or feel stressed with a work project we’re doing, hubby will do up an easy meal or we’ll go out or we do something like sandwiches for supper or whatever. We have a dishwasher, so dish-washing is limited to the things that can’t/shouldn’t go in that. Hubby enjoys yard work, so he mows and weed eats and looks after the plant beds. We have a BIG trash can in the kitchen, so hubby usually man-handles the trash bags. For everything else — laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc. — we each do together or as it needs doing (whoever starts running out of favorite undies first usually starts in on laundry, whereas I’m more sensitive about when sheets and towels have last been washed than hubby, so I’m the one who usually tackles that).
Except for killing spiders. That is — and always will be! — ANYBODY else’s job but mine!!
Good luck, Nicole!
May 10th, 2011 @ 1:29 am
Thanks gang! trying to get some time to write this week
You guys are the best!!
May 17th, 2011 @ 12:30 am
Just wanted to share a story about who is the breadwinner. This is actually about who made the most “bread”.
My wife and I worked for the same company 25 or so years ago and one day she was promoted and got a pretty big raise. Not long after that I was called into my boss’s office. Not quite sure what was going on. She told me that she heard that my wife got a promotion and raise and she wanted to do the same for me early so she would not be making more then I did. This really caught me off guard. I did not have a problem with her making more money than I did – more money is more money, right?
This just goes to show how we have changed our thinking over the years about pay and who earns the most.