29 and Holding…
Posted on March 30, 2009 13 Comments
My 30th birthday is fast approaching, and while I haven’t been vocal about it like some of my friends (love ‘em for it!), I can’t help but notice that the something inside me is changing. It’s not that my life has evolved significantly in any way, or that I’ve become unhappy with where I am, rather, the thoughts that used to occupy my mind have been replaced with much heavier constructs.
In my early 20’s, I used to spend time fretting about living paycheck to paycheck, how my relationship might be affected by career decisions and where to invest my money. What to wear and where to go were always important decisions, as was how I spent my money in general. But as I grew and learned more about my finances and myself, I felt more and more in control of my future and more relaxed and confident about where I was headed.
Lately, though, I find my thoughts drifting off in other directions, into places where I have less control. I’m anxious about my parents’ finances during their imminent retirement and, though they are still young and relatively healthy, their health care once they retire. I’ve learned how to save my money, but I can’t figure out how to balance my needs for a stable future with the need to invest and take a risk. I worry that I’m putting my career (and B’s journey to find one) ahead of my desire to have a family. Things are going well, but now that I’ve spent so much time working to get “here,” a whole new set of worries has replaced what I thought would be the time when I enjoy the fruits of my labor.
I imagine that many of you have dealt with the same set of worries. Any advice you can share about how you deal with the nagging questions and find balance among your priorities would be much appreciated!
Category: Life
Tags: Priorities
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13 Responses to “29 and Holding…”
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March 30th, 2009 @ 7:51 am
Well, I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. I turned 30 in August, so I guess I’m now closer to 31. My 20s were rather sucked up by my stubborn denial to accept a disability, and then, once I did accept it, figuring out how to live with the limitations it presented.
So I guess my thoughts have been heavy for awhile. Still, as my new husband and I struggle to get out of debt on a low income, I guess our future looms over us. (And his parents have, quite literally, zero retirement funds.)
I think it’s normal to worry about a career vs a family. I’m worried about putting off the kid thing, too, but I don’t want to be deeply in debt when we expand the family.
In the end, it may simply be less about finding some magical advice or balance, and more about accepting that many things are out of your control. Some person once said that you can’t change people, but you can change how you react to them. I think that’s true about life events, too. You worry about your parents but there’s not much you can do about it. When you do have a baby, you’ll worry about that.
I think getting smarter just means realizing exactly how finite our abilities are to control most life events. It’s not that we have no say or power in how our lives go. It’s simply about realizing that much in life doesn’t really listen to what we have to say. And once we realize that, some of the stress starts to slide off.
March 30th, 2009 @ 11:56 am
I identify. Seems like people are always talking about turbulent 20s and how things make more sense in your 30s; but I feel like that decade just comes with its own unique set of challenges
Especially now. Things have changed in the past year or two – it’s not as simple a transition as it used to be.
I turned 29 this month. My husband and I have a six-figure mountain of debt from his medical school education that we have to figure out how to pay off — which causes worry as to how to balance those huge payments while saving for retirement, during residency, which pays very little. I just see the interest growing, growing. My mom is struggling and her job is iffy; we’ve sent her money to help her out with medical bills. And with the amount of money we have to pay back, and where we’re at in our lives, kids seem like a very distant possibility; perhaps adopting, since I’ll be too old to have any by the time the student loans are gone!
I try to focus on being thankful for what we have, right now. Abigail’s right; no magic formula exists for making everything make sense, no matter what your age. Worry’s just an attempt to control the future; I try and do the best with what we have, make the smartest decisions I can and not freak out when those unplanned events or expenses arise.
March 30th, 2009 @ 12:26 pm
Nicole,
I chuckled to myself when I read your post because I had this exact same discussion with a friend of mine this weekend. You are not alone in your thoughts, or questioning. I understand that it is such a difficult balance between life and what we think life should be. I am 27 years old, and I am only 2 years out of graduate school. When my mom and her friends were my age, they already had children and were working on creating a home. Unlike our parents generation, many of us are not willing/able to settle down at such an early age. Yes, I am married, but we are in no way financially prepared to have a family.
I also know what it is like to worry about parents who are coming up to retirement age. At times, it feels as if I have become the parent to them and I try to talk to them about their financial health.
With all of these problems, thoughts, musings, I think it is important to remember one thing, this is your life and yours alone. You only get one shot at it, and so you have to make the most out of it. Don’t feel pressured to make decisions that you don’t want to make or are not comfortable making. There are no rule books to life, it is up to you. You get to decide what your life looks like and how it plays out.
What you have to ask is, what is going to make me happy? What is going to bring me joy?
I have been a long time reader of your blog, and I know that you are a really smart girl with a great head on your shoulders. Trust your gut and instincts, and build on your past successes.
Thanks for putting it all out there for the world to see. You open doors, and create a conversation that is needed. You break down barried that others try to hide behind. You throw the old mantra “never let um see you sweat” out the window. You are vulnerable and open in your writing, and in doing so, you inspire so many others.
Keep doing what you are doing!
March 30th, 2009 @ 2:32 pm
Nicole – try not to take the weight of the world on your shoulders! I’m 29 and am concerned about my future as well but I still think it’s important to enjoy life to its fullest while you can. 29 is still pretty young in my opinion, times are changing.
March 30th, 2009 @ 10:26 pm
I’m only 24, but I’m struggling with some big questions also, the biggest among them is if I really even want children or not. No matter what your age, there will always be worries, so we all just have to deal with our concerns to the best of our ability and make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. And if that fails, God gave us cocktails
March 31st, 2009 @ 8:03 pm
I went back and forth about whether to post this, but there is no perfect time to build a family. Eventually I think you decide that either you don’t want to wait anymore, or that the timing is “good enough.”
When we decided the timing was “good enough” I expected I’d have a healthy baby in about a year. I didn’t. It took 4 years and a hell of *a lot* of money to become a mom at 34.
I wouldn’t trade my boys for the world, but I do wish I’d started sooner. I’d love to have more kids, but I may never get the chance.
In short, you never know what roadblocks you’ll encounter. Don’t wait for perfection. It never comes.
March 31st, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
I wish the advantage of a couple of years meant I could say it gets easier after you turn 30 and less “weighty.” It doesn’t.
My best advice is to allow yourself to indulge the weighty thoughts and the accompanying feelings. Sometimes it’s the gut telling you a major change is necessary or it’s just accepting that life really doesn’t turn out at all like one thought it would at 18 or 25!
April 3rd, 2009 @ 4:58 am
I tried to respond a few days ago, but apparently comments sent from Blackberry don’t always ‘stick.’
so… THANK YOU for such thoughtful comments. I can’t tell you how nice it is to be able to open such a dialogue with you guys. I’m soaking it all in and thinking about your positive thoughts and insightful perspective. It really makes my week to read your comments, so please, please keep them coming.
Hugs to you all,
Nicole
April 3rd, 2009 @ 10:07 am
Oy, do I hear you. I’m 30 and am FREAKING OUT about it. my long-term boyfriend just broke up not too long ago, I have virtually no retirement savings (due to a long stint in grad school, though no debt/loans, thank goodness!), just started a new, happy, VERY low-paying career, and wonder what my future holds.
As far as marriage and kids, it’s lookin pretty bleak. I wish i could make those things happen for myself, but I really can’t.
I’m not allowed to save for retirement currently, ’cause I live in a foreign country (no 401K here, can’t contribute to a Roth unless you make US income, and this country doesn’t allow foreign citizens to contribute to their jobs’ retirement schemes).
I feel somewhat thwarted on these two fronts.
At least I have my career…
April 7th, 2009 @ 4:13 pm
I’m past 30 but not yet 35 and I have to admit, although you have new questions and concerns, my 30′s are better than my 20′s.
The concerns I have now are easier to deal with when not worrying about what people think of me or my clothes or my hair etc. I’m finally happily married and know that the family thing will happen when the time is right.
Listen to your heart, make yourself a priority and always make time for Girl’s Nights.
It all works itself out in the end.
April 8th, 2009 @ 2:31 pm
I have to say that for me my 30′s are much better than my 20′s. In my 20′s I didnt really know what I was supposed to be doing,I more or less operated under a state of confusion. Things started to fall into place in my 30′s, I would like to think that I started to develop a little bit of wisdom and developed the courage to be me instead of worrying what others thought or trying to conform. I also became much more aware, It also hit me in the face that the live, work (til 60), spend and die was not for me. I thus began to focus my efforts on my escape from the rat race and living more delibrately.
April 9th, 2009 @ 2:37 pm
I am going to echo what a lot of people have said. I just turned 29 and my son will be two in a few months. We are both teachers so we make enough money, but not enough to really be comfortable. We struggled with the choice to have a child, but we realized that if we waited for the perfect time there wouldn’t be. I have thought a lot about how our society makes us think that we always need more, more money, more things, bigger houses, children. That for a lot of people it is hard to be happy in the present moment (I am one of those people). I can relate also because my husband is thinking of changing careers and again there is always that question of, is it the right time. It has been great to read the posts and realize that there a lot of people in a similar situation.
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
I don’t blame you for feeling anxious about things and especially your parents. Things are up in the air for most folks and especially those that are in or near retirement. We all know that social security is dismal and on its way out and medicare covers little. Most folks have to get supplemental insurance just to cover basic things. It sounds like your parents are still young and fairly healthy. That leads me to believe that they will have the strength and ability to ride out the troubles we’re all having at the moment. I wish you and your family all the best.
Jerry
http://www.leads4insurance.com