Down, down, down
Posted on October 25, 2007 29 Comments
Some days are tough. Some days I just feel so helpless. Some days the strong exterior crumbles, the goofy grin fades and the reality sinks in. I’m going nowhere, doing nothing. I’m a weak person making dumb choices. I’m putting my life on hold for something that’s perpetually out of my reach. And so today, I came home and had a good cry on my couch. It’s just a blue kind of day.
It’s not surprising, though. I’ve felt mucho exhausted-o and super-blah stressed for the whole month of October. A nasty travel schedule, a new product launch at work and two big, festive, lovely weddings conspired to make every day feel like a marathon for me.
But scheduling isn’t the problem; I can handle busy. What I can’t handle is the realization that I’m 28, I’m literally years away from buying a house and having a family, I’m in a relationship that barely exists most days and I’m working my ass off for some obscure future dream, in which my hard work is supposed to reward me with the fulfillment of all my goals and dreams. Which is when?
That isn’t life. It’s a hamster wheel. I’m chasing something that’s not within my reach.
I know the power of positive thought. I know the value in staying happy and having fun. But when everyone around is taking these giant life steps (weddings! pregnancies! mortgages!) and I’m still sitting here, “building my net worth,” and saving pennies, how exactly is this supposed to be positive?
I’ll never be able to afford a nice home with a big yard where I can host amazing barbecues for all my best friends. I’ve been working compulsively for 6 years and I’ve barely managed to save enough for a one-bedroom condo downpayment!
I know it’s morbid, but if I died today, no one would say, “Wow, she was almost ready to make a downpayment.”
What they would say, though, is “How sad that she and B never married or had kids.” Of course, that’s another thing on hold while B is in law school until 2011. He’s so busy trying to make something out of himself, working full time and doing law school part time, that at this rate we’ll have to reintroduce ourselves at his graduation. Moral of that story? Don’t have a boyfriend in law school or it will suck the life out of both of you.
So instead of investing energy into my savings or my relationship, I’ve turned it all right around and invested it into my brother’s wedding, which happens this Saturday. Which was a great plan until B – my boyfriend of 8 years, mind you – told me he probably can’t make wedding reception due to a monster paper that’s due on Monday. WTF?
Oh great, so now I get to be the dateless, childless, workaholic older sibling of the groom, who’s just about saved up enough money for a downpayment on a one-bedroom condo. Some accomplishment.
Clearly, I was in a sucky mood to begin with. But add to it a migraine I’ve had since Sunday, and a huge kink in my back that magically appeared today. Now fast forward to this evening, and you’ll find me slumped on my couch, crying into my pillow because my head hurts and my heart hurts and I just can’t seem to feel good about anything today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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29 Responses to “Down, down, down”
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October 25th, 2007 @ 3:32 am
Sounds like you need a massage!
October 25th, 2007 @ 12:14 pm
You’re really being too hard on yourself. You and B can go ahead and get married and get the babies before you have your finances and household together. A lot of people do it. Then you’ll be on that rollercoaster adventure of trying to save for a downpayment on a home with a family and kids to support. You’re just stuck in the monotony of doing what’s right and responsible, and for the most part it isn’t glamorous or fun, it’s just the boring part of life.
I totally agree with Susy to get that massage. But not just from any place, make it an adventure and get out of your current everyday mindset. When I want to have an adventure with my daughter (she’s 3), I will pick a place out of the way, take a train ride and try to find it. Along the way we discover new things we would have never found had we not been open to explore.
Find that massage, don’t compare your life to your friends around you and stop beating yourself up. You’re totally cool and help a lot of people. Please don’t forget that your personal value goes way beyond your own perception of yourself.
You Rock!
October 25th, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
I agree with the earlier commentors, but I also wanted to tell you – you are not alone. Most of what you are feeling, is something the majority of women feel. No matter what stage in life they are at. And actually, your down time on the couch, was the best thing for you.
It’s okay to break a bit and realize for a moment that “we can’t do it all” or “handle it all” at the moment. Because afterwards, we tend to come back stronger and more capable.
I’m, personally, amazed by your strength. I have been where you are and I don’t think I would EVER be strong enough to post it. Yet, I think it was a positive thing to do. Helping, not only yourself, but all of us that strive to do it all and have it all.
Don’t give up. Just take a break. Life will definitely hand you an upswing soon.
October 25th, 2007 @ 12:29 pm
I’m sorry you’re so down right now. I hope things start looking up soon!
October 25th, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
So sorry you have to go through this. I was your boyfriend (full-time worker and part-time law student) until a few months ago.
Now that it’s over, all I want right now is my boyfriend who has carefully and certainly made his exit out of my life. It’s hard on you but the person that you love that is going through school right now still loves you and is just trying to figure things out right now. You know…the perfect balance to handle all the responsibilities.
If you love him, support him and you can have the life that you want. I wish my boyfriend was a little stronger to stay by my side. Now that I am done with law school…I just stare at the door and wish that he would walk through. He loves you. Love him back. He’s doing this for the both of you and in the end, you can have everything you desire and he will appreciate you even more.
October 25th, 2007 @ 2:07 pm
My wife (we’re married, but only had 5 people at the wedding – there’s an idea for ya!) is going through the same kind of thing right now at work. She’s working her ass off but doesn’t get half as much credit as she should while it seems that her co-workers all get rewards and praise for doing fluff work and political crap while sucking at their real jobs. She’s super exhausted all the time and thinks a lot about ways she can change jobs and do something easier.
I’m just trying to say that everyone has hard times. But if your BF is going to be a lawyer, I’m sure the good times will be coming when you have more money than you know what to do with. I know that’s 3 years away still, but the time will pass, so just keep your head up and do what you have to do.
October 25th, 2007 @ 2:51 pm
I think you need to ask yourself, what is more important, living life to its fullest, or putting that off until you have money.
My thought is that life is too short and you need to be happy now. You don’t know that in 5 years you will be any happier.
I spent many years thinking that money would make me happy, and I missed out on a lot of things waiting for it.
Just keep your head up and don’t dwell on those things. I do think however that your BF should NOT miss the wedding, when it comes to family work should not be an excuse!
October 25th, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
Hold your head high!
In August, I got to be the dateless, childless, workaholic older sister of a bride. (And I own a one bedroom condo.)
Your sibling’s timeline is not yours. Live life at your own pace and on your own terms. There is no race; there is no “you must own property by XX age”; there is no “you must have your first child by XX age”.
(And unlike me, you actually have a significant other to take!)
Sincerely, The Spinster!
October 25th, 2007 @ 3:56 pm
Nicole, I really feel for you. And I want to strongly second what another poster said, that it took a lot of guts to post as honestly as you did. I think that speaks volumes about your integrity and courage and strength in being willing to be so open and so vulnerable.
When I was your age, I followed the track for probably ten years out of college that I was taught would bring fulfillment and happiness. What I discovered, for me, is that the track that I was taught would bring fulfillment and happiness just didn’t do it for me.
Some of us are just different than others and don’t necessarily fit into the “mold.” I think a good complement to your time on the couch (which was well-deserved!) would be to examine your life and how hard you’re working and what your goals are and see if those will really make you happy.
It sounds like you are so “there” for everyone else, including your boyfriend, and I wonder if 1) others are “there” for you in a similar way, and 2) if your boyfriend is “there” for you in a similar way? Maybe you’re cut from a different fabric and need to experiment with a different life? He needs to be giving back to you emotionally while you two are in process, even though he is going to school part time and working. Your friends need to be giving back to you emotionally as well.
I’ve seen it happen too often that the long-suffering and patient girlfriend gets left behind after the trials and tribulations of schooling are over. Now, I’m somewhat of a cynic on men and relationships, even though I have a happy though unconventional marriage. I just think that good and loving women give a lot more than they get a lot of times, being as this is what we are trained to do, and they get taken advantage of by immature and confused men who are looking for an understanding mommy figure for the hardships of schooling.
My advice is to make sure you are getting your needs met NOW, as your life unfolds, rather than being willing to wait until 2011. A lot of times those promises we “hang on for” end up to be false, and we end up, justifiably so, bitter and resentful. You’ve got so many good things going for you, and I’d hate to see you unhappy for the next four years.
Self examination can only do two things: Lead you down the path to what will truly fulfill you, or affirm the rightness of what you are doing right now and give you more points of strength to sustain you through the hard times.
I’m so glad you are doing this blog. Following your journey through your blog is fascinating.
October 25th, 2007 @ 4:18 pm
Dude! B’s an idiot…Doesn’t he realize that this is a huge moment in your life, too.
I’ve been praying for you since you haven’t posted in a while. Law school or not, write it around the wedding. You are awesome… busy but still there for your bro and sis-in-law. Find a real man to marry. I’m taken but there are still good ones out there.
Lord bless you.
C in TX.
October 25th, 2007 @ 4:50 pm
Be grateful that you are 28 and feeling this way, rather approaching 35 watching your eggs go staler everyday, realizing that having your own biological child with a partner is becoming less and less likely as time passes.
Really, 28 is no time to fret. It sucks, but in perspective, if you wanted to get married to B, you really could. You can just run down to the courthouse and be done with it.
All I can say is if you feel this at 28, rectify the situation so you aren’t 30+ still having these feelings. Take it from me. I live in studio condo very much alone. It only bothers me on Wednesdays and ever third or fourth Saturday night of the month.
*hug*
October 25th, 2007 @ 5:22 pm
I have only one advice for you
Sometimes you just have to be selfish, put your self first before everyone else and make a choice that is good for you and only you, trust me you will not regret it. And people who love you will understand why you did it.
And one word of wisdom …
To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sow;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war; and a time of peace.
Hang in there ..
October 25th, 2007 @ 7:23 pm
I’m sorry to read that you’re so down. However, I want to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling that way. This summer, the last of my friends got married (I am the ONLY single one, not an exaggeration) and two announced pregnancies. I had a mini-breakdown. I don’t even have 5% of a down payment yet!
I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is being a stick in the mud. Try to have fun at your brother’s wedding. If you find that you can’t, just be mean…I make myself feel better by putting down other people in my head (not the most mature way to go about it, but it got me through 4 weddings this summer).
October 25th, 2007 @ 7:24 pm
I second and third and eleventh everyone who’s said that you should get that massage. I have a friend who always reminds me that breakdown, like you’re having now, is the first step to breakTHROUGH. The way to transition is with plenty of care for yourself. You’re clearly in a moment and you’ll pass through it to something better but give yourself all the support (and MORE) you think you need to get through.
Also, I feel the same way you do and I’ve got 10 years on you. I finally decided to sink a couple grand into a performance of original work by me and a few friends/colleagues. While I know this is a good, smart, important thing for me to do for my life and my career transferring the money out of savings to make the deposit on the theatre is really hanging me up. We deserve some of the good things NOW, it’s too bad it’s so hard for us to give them to ourselves.
Good luck!
October 25th, 2007 @ 8:10 pm
I’m a year ahead of you at 29 and feel this way ALOT. Where is my life going? What do I have to show for all my hard work? Where is the MEANING in all the work? Where is it all going? The days and weeks blend together. This is my LIFE and I feel like I’m wasting it, but have no idea how to or what will make it better, more meaningful.
Thank you for posting this–it was really hard for me to read it because alot of it is stuff I feel but don’t want to admit to myself. I use the grin and bear it method most days.
You sound very, very stressed out on every level. I wish I could give you a hug. I have no advice except to take care of yourself, whatever that means to you.
This too shall pass.
October 25th, 2007 @ 9:21 pm
You have no idea how much your advice and hugs mean to me. I’m getting a massage tonight, too. Thank you so much. Just reading all this support makes me want to happy cry.
October 25th, 2007 @ 10:08 pm
Nicole,
I am so sorry you feel so down!! I’m glad you are going to get a massage, they always help relieve some of the pain and stress.
I know how you feel, my roommate (whose younger) just got engaged, my sister just had a baby, my sister-in-law (who’s my age) is due in Jan., my coworker (whose younger) is due in Dec., my cousin (whose younger) just got married and is also due in dec!!!!!!!!!!!! I know there are perks to being 27 and single, but many times I really don’t care or want see all the positives.
If I didn’t love my new job, I would be more depressed…thank God for chocolate truffle fudge organic brownies!!
Hang in there girl, we have all been there and will probably (unfortunately) be there again!
October 26th, 2007 @ 1:13 am
Reading this made me feel like I was reading about myself!
I’ve been doing some crying lately when I get home from work. I have a new job that is way more demanding than my old job.
My boyfriend is going back to school to become a Chef and working nights at a Restaurant for a low wage just to get experience and pay his dues.
We’ve also been together for 8 years and it seems like everyone around us is moving forward – getting married or looking to buy houses and we have been standing still. I want my life to move forward but it feels like it is never going to happen!
I know exactly how you feel right now. It does suck, but we women are strong and will make it through. You are not the only one going through this. Thank you so much for this post, I now realize that I’m not the only one feeling this way either.
October 26th, 2007 @ 2:39 am
Been there, done that. Your blog brought back empty feelings from my past that I didn’t want to relive. Your solution lies in your comment. “I’m putting my life on hold for something that’s perpetually out of my reach.” Don’t ever put your life on hold. You can plan, you can have goals, you can strive for what you want in life. But to stop living now so you can plan for the future leaves you with nothing today. You have to find out what you can do to live for today while still planning for your future. I’ve taken many risks in my life. Some should have ended horribly, but I made them so I could move forward and enjoy my life. I had experimental heart surgery when I was your age (I’m only 35 now) and risked everything to improve the quality of my life. I feel wonderful now, and I was able to have 2 beautiful little girls that the doctors told me I couldn’t have before the surgery. I quit my job for a year after the birth of each, not knowing if I could afford it but determined to try. My savings aren’t what I would like, but I have the peace of mind knowing that my girls are safe. I can always increase my savings when they’re in school.
Use your feelings and take a risk. Take your life off hold. It can be small, but take a step towards living the life that you want today. I’ve enjoyed your blog for a long time now, and I know that you are a smart woman with a lot of common sense. You are prepared for your future. Now you just have to remember to live for today. You always seem to write about what you have given up. I hope to hear about the risks you’ve taken. You deserve to be happy. Now you have to make it happen.
(Guess I’ll just slide this soap box back under the bed where it belongs again….
October 26th, 2007 @ 6:45 am
I think your post resonated with a lot of people – it certainly have with me. Thank you for such a honest & compelling post, and I really hope do you feel better.
October 26th, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
Nicole I’ve going through much of the same things. I’m a 27 year old living (just barely) paycheck to paycheck, in a job i hate and trying to figure out what i’m doing with my life after a failed marriage. i think your breakdown on the couch was a wake up call. take a hard look at your life and what you want. i don’t think you should have to put your life on hold for your boyfriend while he goes to law school. he needs to understand that you come first in his life and that while obviously school is important, he needs to compromise with you, as i’m sure you do with him. hang in there!!!
October 26th, 2007 @ 2:36 pm
Hey there, I love your blog because I’m a girl the loves to shop and save.
I like your honesty, so I’ll be honest with you. I’m married to a law student. And I see him all the time — after 6 p.m. he’s mine! No studying (well, with a few exceptions!) I’m his first priority, not school — and you want to be with someone who treats you like their top priority.
Now, I’m not saying that it’s not rough — we’re a one income family on a 30K annual salary – mine and I hate being the provider! But I am and it works for us because at the end of the day we’re together. And I really want that for you!! I dated a man for 4 years before I found my hubs, and it was a four-year mess.
Marriage is hard enough with bills, life, details, etc. to marry into a mess. Yes, I know I’ll probably become a widow during finals — but that’s finals. And you’re not supposed to become a widow, on the backburner, before you’re even married.
Anyway, random honesty from the internet.
October 26th, 2007 @ 8:21 pm
If owning a house *now* is a priority, then move to somewhere that you can afford a house.
I agree with whoever said that your boyfriend needs to put you on his priority list. He’s taking you for granted, and you’re letting him. Lay it on the line. Yep, he’s busy, but he chooses to be. He can make time for you, or he can be alone. Do you *want* to marry someone who puts work and school as higher priorities?
October 26th, 2007 @ 9:42 pm
You’re SO not alone, girl! I agree with everybody else, and here’s another suggestion: when I get to feeling down and introspective about what my life’s missing, after a good, long pity party, I volunteer. Sometimes it’s a physical thing (Habitat For Humanity) that lets me get out aggression by hammering and such; sometime’s it’s working for Make-A-Wish Foundation, helping to grant a wish for a sick kid. There are lots of options and it doesn’t really matter what you choose, but it’s been invaluable in my life.
It helps me to concentrate on someone else’s life for a while and to be grateful for what really is, at the end of the day, a very good, very enviable life.
October 26th, 2007 @ 11:36 pm
I hope you feel better. Here are some thoughts. One of my good friends met her boyfriend *while* he was in law school. There were often times she would comment on never getting to see him, but always said, “Well, Law School had him first.” He graduated last year, and they’re getting married this spring. So, it’s tough right now, but it can get better!
But really, it’s tough. I’ve felt all those things you wrote–it was very much like I wrote that, and you posted it! (Except it’s my baby sister who’s getting married. Well, she’s not engaged yet, but I give it six months. She’s also ten years younger than me. Talk about feeling old!)
Take care. You’re younger than you think
October 27th, 2007 @ 4:22 am
Some days suck, huh? I hope the weekend turns out to be a good one and by the time you’re reading all of the loving reader comments you’re already dong fine.
October 27th, 2007 @ 7:04 am
Ouch. Keep your head up. I am going through the travelling wheel right now. ACK!
BTW, TJ Maxx is the bomb.
October 29th, 2007 @ 8:46 pm
It is really great to hear that SO many other people, including yourself, are going through the same thing. While I’m slightly younger than you at 25, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years and with all three of my best friends getting married this summer, a few new babies here and more on the way I often feel like screaming. What drives me most crazy is I find it is other peoples comments that have turned me into a bitter person. I’m completely happy with my b/f, we bought a condo (in your hood) last fall but it’s just he marriage part that EVERYONE else wants (it’s not just parents, it’s co-workers, friends, men and women alike) that always ask when we’re getting engaged.
I wish people realized that those types of questions are rude and inconsiderate… do you think after 5 years you’re the first person to ask such a question?
I don’t have any great advice (as I find myself resorting to bad tv and ice cream when i’m not killing myself by working from 9-9 every day).
Just hang in there, find time that is truly for yourself to do the things you love (read, write, etc) and hopefully it all gets better.
October 31st, 2007 @ 5:05 am
I’m glad you’re feeling better!
You said everything that’s been on my mind! I admire your honesty and courage to share something so deep and personal! You’re truly an inspiration for me to find some way of coping with my own frustrations and down days.
Take it easy and don’t be so hard on yourself!