Always a Bridesmaid
Posted on January 31, 2007 26 Comments
When you’re in your 20′s, you grow accustomed to frank discussions about the merits of tulle vs. french satin, heated debates over lilies vs. roses and heart-to-hearts on the subject of light blue vs. navy.
It’s wedding planning season again, and I am the perennial bridesmaid.
This year, I’ll stand up to three weddings. That’s three new dresses (that I will wear once), three new bras (to accommodate the dresses, of course!), three new evening bags, three new hairstyles, three mornings of softly-lit photos, and – gleefully – three evenings of an open bar.
I’m kidding (sort of – open bars are the best invention ever) … I really love attending weddings. I’m thrilled for my friends and I know their ceremonies are going to be amazing and super fun. But, I fear I’m just not the best bridesmaid.
You see, I’m having a difficult time with the dresses. Each one requires the initial purchase, two will involve some sort of delivery fee, and all will require alterations. That’s a lot of spending on dresses (somewhere between $700-$900, guys) … and a whole lot of precious time for dress selection and fittings. I was embarrassed to admit to one of the brides today that I didn’t actually know what color the dress was supposed to be when it arrived in the mail. Now I have to go return the evening bag I bought for the wedding when I though the dress was brown (it’s black). Sheesh.
It’s hard for any bridesmaid, I think, who is of the age where you’re “supposed to be” married, but you’re not. Most women who haven’t planned a wedding or aren’t in the process of planning one inevitably feel like flunkies. Flowers make us nervous. Bridesmaid dresses make us itch. Bridal magazines leave us out. The whole wedding planning process suddenly splits lifelong friends into two groups: brides and non-brides. It’s like the brides are all speaking a different, secret language, and those of us who have chosen other paths are left feeling clueless, scratching our heads about intricacies we couldn’t possibly understand, like how much a good calligrapher actually costs.
I think it also exposes feelings of insecurity for those of us single (aka wedding-free) gals. One of my stupid cousins actually said to me, “I always thought you would be married before your little brother.” Now, up until that point, I recognized that I always did, too, but I had convinced myself that there were sound reasons why. I’m focusing on my career, I’m saving up for a down payment and in general, am on track to build my savings, increase my net worth and decrease my debt, rather than spending a whole bunch of money I don’t have at the moment. Suddenly, the fact that I am doing those things, rather than getting married, became a flaw, a question to answer.
But, inevitably, even us wedding-free gals dive in, spending the money to buy the dresses and have them altered, traveling for miles and splurging on shower gifts and bachelorette parties because we love our friends and families. I consider all three brides to be my sisters, and no matter how many “bridesmaid update” e-mails they said, or how many questions I ignore about who makes the best envelopes in town, I’ll still consider them all part of my family.
Besides, there is one bridesmaid duty that I’m great at. I may not be the best dress-picker-outer, but I sure as hell can help plan a bachelorette party with the best of ‘em. Observe, our swashbuckling pirate party held for my dear friend last year:
… I’d like to note this was BEFORE all the “Pirates of the Caribbean” nonsense, and even before pirate band-aids started showing up on the runway. Kiera Knightly, eat your heart out. We’ve totally abandoned the whole pirate theme now that the whole nation’s jumped on the bandwagon. However, we have plenty of fun crazy themes at the ready.
So while I may not be knowledgeable when it comes to picking out bridesmaid dresses, salad spinners or formal plates, I do give some kick-ass bachelor party presents to my best girls, and I’m way fun to have at a bachelorette party. Plus, you can count on me to hang out on the dance floor during the entire wedding … yes, I am a true “party starter.” Just bring me a few drinks from the open bar, toss on some Kool and the Gang/Madonna/polka pop and grab the chicken dance hat. I may not speak bride, but bridesmaid turns out to be a language I understand.
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26 Responses to “Always a Bridesmaid”
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January 31st, 2007 @ 4:44 am
you are my pancake-loving, non-wedding planning partner in crime! i love it and i love you:)
January 31st, 2007 @ 2:52 pm
I imagine it will be quite the interesting post when the day you speak bride does come.
January 31st, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
One way to offset the cost is to E-bay the dress/bag/shoes RIGHT AFTER the wedding. I’ve made back as much as 75% of what I’ve paid for the dress back before.
If the dress is from a chain like David’s Bridal, buy it on E-bay if possible. That can help too!
January 31st, 2007 @ 3:13 pm
Why do you have to pay for the bridesmaid dresses? Not the done thing in the UK at least.
January 31st, 2007 @ 3:14 pm
Amen!! As much as I would like to speak bride, it can be fun to only speak bridesmaid. Besides it’s the bridesmaids who get to have all the fun, while the bride is smoozing the new in-laws!!
January 31st, 2007 @ 3:17 pm
More brides should read your blog and be considerate of their friends! Our wedding was beautiful, and we simply told everyone what our colors were and let THEM choose a dress to coordinate with them. Some used the event to buy a new dress, some were able to use something they already had, and we were happy that we weren’t forcing friends to spend loads of money so that they could relax and enjoy the event.
January 31st, 2007 @ 3:55 pm
My friend did that (she had a color she wanted) and we each found our own dress. As it turned out the groom’s two sisters liked the same dress, so they and the other bridesmaid all go the same dress. I was the maid-of-honor so I got my own dress. Since it was my best friend and I wanted her day to be gorgeous I did spend a lot of money, but that was my decision. When I get married (knock on wood) I’m going to do the same (choose a color) or provide fabric for them all to have their dresses made.
I like the idea about e-bay, unfortunately I am sentimental and not sure I could part with some of these dresses!!!!
January 31st, 2007 @ 4:45 pm
OMG I just had a meltdown the other day because I’m tired of always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. It is like a different language and they are two groups. All three of my best friends are getting married this year, two out of state. So for me it is going to be super expensive. And I love that they’re all happy and moving on. But since I have been with my signifcant other the longest i often feel i get looks of “why isn’t she married yet” (especially when my little brother is also taking the plunge before me).
But there is one great benefit of being the last of the group to get married… you definetly learn from all their mistakes!
January 31st, 2007 @ 5:33 pm
Another benefit of being the “last” to get married in your little circle of friends is that they also go through the marriage problems and/or divorces first, and then you get to be there to listen to that as well. That’s the time when you go, to yourself, “Thank God I didn’t get married back then!!” That probably sounds very cynical to star-struck brides (I know, I was one), but it happens to be the truth. When I was younger, my friends were all getting married and I was standing up for them, and I felt the same way and couldn’t wait to get married!! Five years later and a divorce under my belt, I wished that I had resisted the wedding fever and held off until I was sure that the man was the one I wanted rather than the wedding. I mean, divorce is not impossible, but it’s a lot of hassle, hard feelings, and if there are children involved it’s even harder. So while you may not feel grateful now, you will in the future. I promise!
January 31st, 2007 @ 7:16 pm
My baby sister (well, she’s 34) is getting married this year – considering it’s been 10 years since our last family wedding (mine!) we’re all excited for her. She’s watched friends, cousins, sisters all get married before her – sometimes a bridesmaid, sometimes not. She freaked out when she turned 26 because she wasn’t anywhere near getting married and most of her cousins, friends, sisters were. And everytime I talked with her, I said, “Live your life, enjoy your time … things will happen when they’re meant to happen.” And so it has …
PS: My bridesmaids all ordered their dresses from Talbots 50% off sale – $75 for cocktail dresses that they could wear again. You can look elegant and not break the bank!
January 31st, 2007 @ 9:17 pm
As someone else in 3 weddings this summer, I feel you. But I think there are some other costs to mention: I have to travel for 2, and the other is in a suburb of chicago and i live in the city so we’re getting a hotel room anyway. there’s also the PRESENTS for all of these people. Other people’s weddings, expensive for the rest of us. But it’s true, we do love them. Well said.
January 31st, 2007 @ 11:25 pm
Nicole, I love your blog. In fact, I love it so much that I just blogged about it. Here’s the link: http://theurbanmuse.blogspot.com/2007/01/m-word-part-2.html
January 31st, 2007 @ 11:43 pm
Heh Nicole…I see some red-eye reversal action on this photo! Nonetheless, you guys look like you had a whale of a time!
February 1st, 2007 @ 12:29 am
I’m 30 and I can’t say I’ve ever debated “tulle vs. french satin”, “lilies vs. roses” or “light blue vs. navy.”
To be honest, I don’t even know who tulle is.
February 1st, 2007 @ 4:28 am
once again, awesome, heart-felt post from one of my favorite bloggers. you have a way with words. your bf better propose quick to keep you!
February 1st, 2007 @ 10:10 pm
Thanks for the ‘welcome’ to O.P. So far we absolutely love it, because of the cold we haven’t ventured out much though.
February 1st, 2007 @ 10:43 pm
Oh my gosh, I hear you on bridesmaid dresses. I bought one two years ago for a friend’s wedding, paid $150. I tried to sell it immediately after the wedding on eBay. It was unaltered and perfect, freshly dry cleaned. I listed it twice and couldn’t get $.99 for it. Seriously, no reserve, opening bid was $.99. It’s a racket. If I ever get married, I’m going to work the bridesmaid dresses into my wedding budget and pay for them for my friends (and if I’m paying for them, I’ll have quite the incentive to pick something cheap!). Especially if I get married during or shortly after grad school. I just feel horrible asking a friend to throw away $150-$200 on a dress, especially when it puts her in a difficult financial position (most of my friends are students too!).
February 3rd, 2007 @ 4:33 am
Hard to beleive brides still consider having their bridesmaid purchase a dress they will only get to wear once!! Don’t worry about not speaking bride–surprisingly life goes on and at 40 plus,not being married has not been a bad thing! It just gets weird calling your choosen mate a boyfreind at that age. Love the blog, it’s good to see more women getting money savvy and saving for more than just shoes!!
February 4th, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
Just a word to the wise- I loved my wedding and all the excitement surrounding it. But looking back now, my practical self tells me (and hubby) we could have done it simpler and used the $15,000 for a heftier downpayment (we were only able to scrounge up about 10%); vacations (we love to travel, but don’t do it as often as we would like); or even upgrades on the house (turnkey homes really are the bare-minimum…meaning you need to put $$$ into them to really get a bang for your buck when you sell).
Think twice before you get the wedding-itch. You’re a smart girl…you’ll do what’s best for the pocketbook.
February 6th, 2007 @ 1:14 am
I stood up for 2 weddings in my 20′s – I really hated having to buy all the stuff that I’d never use/wear again. When I got married, I was determined to have it as stress-free as possible – so maybe that’s the key. You may be the “last” in your group, but you’ll have learned from watching all the stress your friends are under for the perfect wedding!
You could try ebaying the dress(es) as soon as possible, but unfortunately, with ebay, you have to get the timing just right to find that one person who wants it.
This is also a really cool organization that takes gently used bridesmaids’ and prom dresses and reuses them for low-income teens to wear to prom: http://www.glassslipperproject.org/index.html I think that’s just an awesome idea.
If you’re interested, I have also made dolls out of bridesmaids’ dresses to gift to the bride (they picked it out, after all!) – and I’ve gotten very good feedback on it. If you’re interested, stop on by!
February 7th, 2007 @ 11:29 am
Hey Nicole,
It’s nice to know that you are going to have fun at those weddings some time we need a break from work. Well 3 dresses worth $700-$900 mmmm I will be waiting for the wedding pictures..
February 21st, 2007 @ 1:33 am
I am right there with you, 32, not married, been a bridesmaid many a time. But seriously, I will spend $1500+ to go see my friend get married on the other side of the country and frankly I’ve very tired of spending all this money. I love my friends too, but damn, I would rather take a freakin’ vacation with that money. I am tired of other peoples’ weddings blowing MY BUDGET!
March 8th, 2007 @ 12:11 am
I let my bridesmaids pick their dresses, I just chose the color. They chose the style without me. I don’t think they ever used the dresses again but at least they were comfortable. I have no clue what it cost either.
January 23rd, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
Being a bridesmaid is terribly expensive. Even when the dress is less than $120 and I have no hotel or travel expenses, I’ve never spent less than $500, and more often it’s in the range of $700-1000. Is there a way to politely retire from the bridesmaid role? Long ago there used to be ideas of “3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride” and “married women can’t be bridesmaids.”
May 30th, 2008 @ 8:54 pm
I’m going to be a bridesmaid for the second time in my life.. Tomorrow. I’m really nervous, actually. I swear I’m gonna ruin the whole wedding, as that’s the kinda person I am. D:
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