Choices
Posted on January 28, 2006 29 Comments
Every day we make hundreds, if not thousands, of choices. Some are mundane, like picking what color socks to wear. Others carry the weight of 10,000 bowling balls on our mind, like deciding whether to stay in a stale relationship. The rest fall squarely in between and become part of our routine, for instance, whether to go out with friends on a Friday night when you have no money in the bank.
Choices make us who we are. Choices place us where we are today. Choices, not fate, not instinct, make us human and alive.
I bring up the above points because I know too many people who fail to make the connection between their choices and their lot in life. My mother, for instance, spends a lot of time blaming others for her problems. She hates her house, she wishes she could take vacations, she doesn’t know where her retirement will come from, she gets upset because she has no money. All of this could have been prevented, she believes, had she been born into a “rich” family, if God would have blessed her with a smarter brain, if the government would have given her more in times of need. She spends so much time fretting about what she was not given that she cannot consider the choices made to bring her where she is today.
I’ll pause here for a moment to let you know that I love my mom. She’s a caring, selfless woman who will do anything to make her family and friends happy. People like being around her because she’s warm and affectionate. She is a wonderful mother and I could not have asked for anything more growing up. But our relationship is complex, and like any, there are quiet moments between us, times when we’ve hurt each other. This is not one of those times. I use her as an example simply because I’ve had these conversations with her and have often pondered with love how to better understand her, communicate with her and help to give her the life she desires. No more, no less.
I asked her once whether she thought her life would be different if she would have gone to college. She responded that school simply wasn’t for her. I asked why she decided to have as many children (4) as she did. Not up to her. The list went on. At each point where she could have made a critical decision, she did not own up to the responsibility that she made a poor choice.
If you are in an unstable financial situation, stop to think for a moment about how you got there. Were there choices made that could have been different? Did you overspend on your Christmas shopping and now face high credit card bills? Did you feel like you had no choice in the matter? If so, stop yourself right there. No one forced you to buy all those gifts. That was a poor choice you made.
Now, you’re probably thinking something like, “But my kids have been so good. They deserved those presents. And I had to buy something nice for my husband/wife.”
I’ll tell you something. As a child, I’ll admit, I loved getting toys and gifts for Christmas. The bigger the pile under the tree, the more excited I got. But looking back on my childhood, I can’t remember one thing I received for Christmas from Santa. What I do remember is decorating the tree with my mom each year, putting out cookies and milk for Santa (and a carrot for the reindeer!) and gathering with my family all day long for hugs and meals. My entire childhood is filled with memories of family, funny stories and loving gestures – not toys or material things. My point is that piling presents sky-high under the tree may strike you as something great to do for your children as a parent. But those presents won’t ultimately mean a thing to a child who is loved, cared for and adored by her parents. So rather than spending all your resources buying presents that you can’t afford, consider next year putting a little extra effort into de-materializing your holiday season. That’s a better choice, in my opinion.
Maxing out your credit card is a big choice, but some of us also don’t realize that the little choices we make can affect our stability. I was recently talking with a co-worker who told me that she doesn’t currently put away any money into savings from her paycheck. Yet she lives in one of the highest-priced areas of Chicago. That’s a poor decision. Living in a less expensive neighborhood, where rent is just $100 less per month, would let her save an extra $1,200 per year.
I think you can see what I’m getting at. Every choice you make, large or small, has consequences. Take some time to think about what your choices have led to. Do you make poor decisions? How can you turn your decision-making pattern around? Sometimes, simply stopping or slowing down for a moment to consider the outcome will help. Being conscious of your actions, living in the present, rather than the past or the future, and understanding your resources and surroundings will help. Recognizing the opportunities that come with each choice, rather than focusing on the doors that have closed, will allow you to take ownership of your future. Understanding your choices, your options, will set you free.
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29 Responses to “Choices”
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January 28th, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
Fantastic post. I’m filing this one under “perspective.”
January 28th, 2006 @ 5:57 pm
Excellent post. Paraphrasing Rush: If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Having people realize they are in control and have choices is the first step towards financial freedom.
January 28th, 2006 @ 6:58 pm
I have been mulling such a post about my sister-in-law. She has constantly made the wrong choices in life, from finances to spouse, and she always blames everyone but herself.
She has refused to show up to any family get-together, and it is rather sad to say they have been happier events without her.
January 28th, 2006 @ 8:55 pm
Very insightful post, expecially since you seem to be very different from your mother. Best of luck to her and to you. Something to keep on file to hand out to some of friends and family.
January 28th, 2006 @ 9:46 pm
wow.
January 28th, 2006 @ 9:49 pm
Outstanding post! I have an aunt who retired after 30 years as a teacher. She ALWAYS gave most of her money away to all of us. Dinner, gifts, cash etc. To this day she still tries to give us money. Not because she has it, but because the little bit she does have makes her feel guilty that she has it. The rest of the time she worries about being able to live on social security and her pension. She even takes retail jobs to try to take some of the worry away. I wish that she had saved more earlier so that she could let herself worry less. She believes that she did the right thing, so I certainly wouldn’t tell her differently. I do turn down her money now. I love her very much and one of the acts of kindness she did was to help me a little with college. You can bet I’ll do whatever is needed if she ever needs any help.
Hazzard
January 29th, 2006 @ 4:23 am
This is an excellent post Nicole.
Although my mom and I have a love/hate relationship, I admire her skill with her finances. Now, she is able to travel freely and still has money left over for real estate investments. All this after having retired from a teacher’s salary and raising three children.
January 29th, 2006 @ 2:45 pm
Amazing post that applies to both finances and everyday life. This is what I often tell friends and family when they complain about their lot in life: Yes, there are unavoidable inherent factors in your situation–the salary of your job is only X amount, etc.–but then you CHOOSE what to do with what you have.
I also remember a story from a few years ago about a Mississippi woman who worked as a low-paid washerwoman all of her life. Despite her circumstances, she saved virtually every penny she made and when she died, she left a huge bequest to the state university (I think it was half a million dollars or more). Now she has an enduring legacy and will help generations of students achieve what she never could.
We choose what to make of our lives: as the cliche says, we can either make lemonade or suck on the lemons.
January 30th, 2006 @ 3:24 pm
Talk about choices….what about the choice to drive less??? ExxonMobil has earned record profits for both their fourth quarter and the year! Tell me that they didn’t use Katrina as an excuse to gauge. Why are prices creeping up again?? Because we will pay for it. So we are in fact getting what we pay for.
January 30th, 2006 @ 4:27 pm
Great advice!!! Most people do not take the time to realize that their decisions are the reason they are where they are (myself included). We should ALL look at where we are take responsibility, and own our decisions.
Thanks sooooo much for your blog!
January 30th, 2006 @ 6:52 pm
Awesome post…best I’ve seen yet. Very insightful and something that I wish more people would see. Of course, I suppose the ones who need to read it the most would think, “But that doesn’t apply to ME, it’s really not my fault that…”. Well, if it reaches just a few people, it’s worth it!
January 30th, 2006 @ 7:21 pm
I find this blog entralling, and full of useful tips. I’m trying to get my finances under control, but keep being struck by one caveat: Am I taking care of my finances at the expense of my generosity? I know there’s a middle ground, but I don’t want to be the stingy friend who can’t buy a round of drinks, or the sister who can’t give her brother some money to see a show he’s never seen. I like to give things to people and make them feel good, and it seems selfish to say, “no, I won’t do that so I can put in in savings.” And yet, that seems smart! Was anyone else held up by this contradiction?
January 30th, 2006 @ 7:40 pm
There is a trend with some new credit cards to help you “save” by adding a certain meager percentage of your purchase to a high-yield account or by keeping the change on purchases… well, if you just skipped one of those big ticket purchases, you’d have so much more in your savings account!
Trying to ask ourselves when enough is enough and whether we really need what we want is key. Easier said than done. Thanks for the post.
January 30th, 2006 @ 8:11 pm
Great money management comes from stong emotional intelligence and implementation. Choices are how that is done.
Best post I’ve ever read here on your blog, Nicole. Nice going.
Scot
January 30th, 2006 @ 8:39 pm
Excellent post. I’m definitely going to share that one. Hopefully I will keep it in mind next time I take my wallet out of my purse.
January 30th, 2006 @ 9:05 pm
You get it!! At 26 you understand what life is about. This is one of the best articles I have ever read, online or in print. Life is a series of choices that we make constantly. I am glad that you are doing something about your finances. The funny thing is that these choices you make will carry over into other aspects of your life, and you will be much better off in the long run than you would have ever imagined. Thanks for doing your blog, and sharing your journey with the rest of us. Keep up the good work Nicole. I admire you.
January 31st, 2006 @ 12:04 am
beautifully said!
January 31st, 2006 @ 12:54 am
Thank you for sharing; after reading your great post, I realised that at every stage of the journey there still are positive choices to be made. Great feeling.
January 31st, 2006 @ 1:33 am
This is wonderfully articulated and wise post. Thank you!
January 31st, 2006 @ 4:29 am
Great post! But while your post focuses on bad decisions people have made and their inability to own those decisions, we should also be proud of the times we do make the right choice. Clearly you are making a lot of the right decisions — you should feel really great about that! Keep up the awesome posts!
January 31st, 2006 @ 7:18 am
Your mom is a sucker!
January 31st, 2006 @ 3:09 pm
Thanks for posting this. The first time I stumbled upon your blog was the recent “Start Fresh, Start New” post, which really hit a nerve. I had just started my 401K, and I’ve been trying for 2 years now just to save enough money to go on a modest vacation and buy a new sofa. Until recently, I hadn’t managed to save a dime, through all that trying. After reading that “Start Fresh” post, I realized that little decisions can contribute to my savings, and I now save between $100-$200 a month. I’m hoping to go on my first vacation with my boyfriend of 2 years in July.
This post reaffirmed that school of thought at a time when I’ve had to choose not to do some really fun and exciting things recently in order to achieve my modest financial goals. At 25, those are sometimes excruciating choices to make, but the payoff will be worth it, and I thank you for your great perspective.
January 31st, 2006 @ 4:05 pm
Great post, Nicole! I too, think in the same way.
There are lot of choices in life. We are, what we choose!
The anonymous who is struck by one caveat, Here’s what I feel – If it’s a real need, help out if you can. If it’s a want, your money is better spent on savings.
January 31st, 2006 @ 4:09 pm
“it seems selfish to say, “no, I won’t do that so I can put in in savings.” And yet, that seems smart! “
And well, if it is just a want and if they ask you, you can choose to say, ‘Sorry, I dont have money for that’ You dont have to say that it will go into your savings.
There’s a huge difference between a need and a want.
January 31st, 2006 @ 5:06 pm
Hi,
I love this post. I am a recent graduate and have lots of friends who have decent entry-level jobs yet are complaining about living paycheck to paycheck. I know that this isn’t because of their income, it’s always about their spending habits!
I came across your site a few weeks ago and have been reading religiously. I’ve decided to create my own financial blog and would love it if you could visit, give feedbacks, and also possibly cross-link. Thanks and keep up the good work!
FR
February 1st, 2006 @ 3:03 am
I agree it was an excellent post. What I don’t agree on is the part about your Mom. You have to realize she didn’t HAVE the choices you have now. Your generation has more opportunites than the one before and so on and so on. What did her parents have? What did they provide her when she was growing up?
Sounds like your Mom did her best with what she had and gave you a good home life. Trust me, that’s worth more than any amount of money.
P.S. Do you plan on “paying” her back for all the years she raised you? Something to think about.
February 7th, 2006 @ 1:29 am
Nicole, I followed a link from a friend’s blog, and this is the first one I have ever read on your site. Best blog entry that I have ever read, period. You’ve got your head screwed on straight! I’ll be back to visit.
I’m surrounded by friends that can’t seem to make the correct choices in life (some not all). I often feel guilty that my wife and I are doing well, but I know that we take great pride in every choice we make.. big or small.
February 16th, 2006 @ 5:41 pm
Nicole, thanks for writing this. If it’s alright, I’m going to link to this in a future post. I’ll be checking back!
March 4th, 2006 @ 2:43 pm
If our choices were so under our control, business wouldn’t spend billions and billions of dollars on marketing & advertising to influence our choices.